Snotrags & Shitribbon
by Chopkins
Summary: Neji and Tenten search for the meaning of life while on a journy to Rite Aid to buy toilet paper. [Chapter One's been completely rewritten].
1. The Day Jesus Tried to Sell Neji Pot

**The Day Jesus Tried to Sell Neji Pot**

It was a cloudy day and team Gai had run out of toilet paper. Neji had been the first to discover it but all too late. Frantically, he scurried around the bathroom--pants around his ankles--searching for a new roll, but alas there was none to be found.

"I need assistance!" He yelped, in a panic, from inside the bathroom. Tenten had just happened to be passing by, after interrupting one of Lee and Gai's "private training sessions". She had been trying to persuade Gai-sensei to help her with her scroll jutsu, but he refused to even open the door for her. Needless to say, she was angry.

"... What's wrong Neji?" She asked, standing outside the bathroom door.

"... We're out."

"Out of what?"

"... The paper."

"What paper--WAIT! Nevermind, I know!"

Neji's voice was very grave. "I need you to get me some more."

"Umm... I donno if we have anymore." She said. "Lemme see what I can find."

She came back moments later with a roll of Bounty papertowls. "This is all the closest thing I could find... Sorry." She said as she passed him the roll through the only slightly opened door.

"Well... Thanks, I guess."

A few moments passed before Neji asked. "Tenten, are you still out there?"

"Yeah."

"... Could you _not _be?"

"OH! Yeah! Sorry!"

And so Tenten went off to the kitchen to pour herself some juice.

"Okay, so the quilted, quicker picker-upper wasn't exactly the best substitute for good ol' Charmin." Tenten said, as she and Neji walked along the road that would take them to the local, Konoha-area Rite Aid to pick up the toilet paper they so desperately needed.

Neji looked disgruntled. "Those papertowls caused some damaged that I won't soon recover from." He said. "Not to mention the mess it made when I tried to flush them--oh the humanity!"

"Yeah... Sorry about that."

Just then they came upon a hotdog stand. It looked relatively clean, so Neji decided to stop and get something to eat, since Gai never feeds him or Tenten because they're rejects. He had never said it in so many words, but they both knew, and Neji was just fine with this; he didn't want to be Gai-sensei's "favorite" anyway... He knew what that entailed. In the meantime, Tenten decided to use a nearby port-a-john: they _always _had toilet paper... of course, this was at the cost of sanitation.

Just as she was almost within arms-reach of the door, a huge gust of wind blew up from out of nowhere, knocking Tenten cleanly on her ass.

"What the hell!" Tenten exclaimed.

Just then, she noticed a blur dashing into the port-a-john in question. Said "blur" yelled something to the effect of "GET THE HELL OUTTA THE WAY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!" Tenten hadn't gotten a good look at who it was but she knew: it was Temari.

Temari had been the bane of Tenten's existence ever since she got her ass handed to her at the hands of the oldest Sand Sibling during the preliminaries of the last round of the Chunin exam.

Quickly, Tenten dashed up from off the ground and violently beat on the door of the port-a-john. "I know that's you in there Temari! Get your ass out here; we've got unfinished business to attend to!"

"... I'm kinda in the middle of something here." Temari replied.

"I don't care! I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"PFF! Okay, yeah."

Just then, the door flung open and before Tenten even had time to think she found the butt-end of Temari's fan cracking her squarely on the forehead. She stood there, completely dazed with Temari standing in front of her; she was kind of trapped by Tenten standing in front of the door, so she simply pushed her down. Tenten didn't try to fight back; she was barely conscious.

When she awoke from her stupor a few moments later, Temari was gone and one burning question was left in her mind: "How can Temari pee so fast?"

Meanwhile, Neji sat on a nearby bench eating his hotdog. He hadn't been paying much attention and had missed the miniature cat fight between Tenten and Temari. The hotdog was alright... Not great or anything but it was okay.

"Psst, hey kid! Over here!" A voice came from the nearby, seedy, dark alleyway. Neji's eyes darted around; evidently this guy was talking to him. "Yeah you! C'mere." That settled that question. The guy looked nice enough; he wore a robe and had long hair and a beard; he was probably some hippy. So Neji got up and walked over to the seedy, dark alleyway... Nobody ever taught Neji about "stranger danger" when he was a kid... They were all too busy teaching him how to kill so that he could take revenge on the main branch of the Hyuga family when he got older.

"What?" Neji asked, very flatly as he stood in front of the kindly-looking hippy, who promptly presented a bag of what looked to be oregano with a large holy cross on it.

"... You wanna sell me pot?" He asked.

"Not just any pot, my child!" The hippy replied. His voice was shockingly comforting, even for just talking about marijuana. "This is the _holy herb_."

"Uh-huh." Neji wasn't very impressed. "So it's laced with something?"

"Yes, my child." Said the kindly hippy. "It's laced with G.O.D."

"... It's laced with 'God'? What the hell?" Neji said. "Listen, I'm sure it's great stuff or whatever, but I buy my pot from Chouji like everybody else in Konoha does."

"Hmm... Well bless thee anyway, my child, for you are pure of heart." The kindly hippy said, patting Neji on the head.

"... Whatever."

And with that, the kindly, robed hippy disappeared into a cloud of psychodelic, technocolored smoke, never to be seen again.

"What's goin' on?" Tenten asked, coming up behind him.

Neji was very confused. "I... I think Jesus Christ just tried to sell me weed."

"Wow." Tenten replied, not especially surprised or anything. Afterall, she was Chinese and therefore a Buddhist. "Did you tell him you buy your shit from Chouji?"

"Yeah."

"Oh... Well cool."

chapter one completed

**A/N:** Yeah, I completely rewrote the first chapter. I didn't get a very great reaction to the Gai-on-Lee action in the original; not the mention I didn't think it was especially well-written anyway. I like this version much better, don't you? Just as a disclaimer--'cause I know how touchy some people get when nonbelievers like myself make jokes about Jesus--I don't have any problem with Christianity... except for the fact that I don't believe in it. This isn't supposed to be offensive, but honestly you politically correct people are impossible to please.

But whatever. Hope you enjoyed!


	2. Team Seven Shinannigans part one

**Team Seven Shinannigans (Part One)**

On that same fateful day that Neji and Tenten began their pilgrimage to Rite Aid, Team Seven was to meet at the usual spot in the forest where they always tend to meet. They were supposed to be training. Training for what? I donno, training, they're ninjas! Don't question the narrator!

At present, only Naruto and Sakura had arrived (to Sakura's chagrin).

"Hey Sakura! Funny seeing you here!" Naruto greeted.

"... Funny what? We were _supposed _to meet here."

Naruto just laughed his rejection off. "I know you don't mean to act nasty too me." He smiled.

"My white ass I don't."

Naruto pretended he hadn't heard her and kept on talking. "And one day, when you realize that Sasuke is a big queer and I kick his ass, thus proving my worth to you and the rest of the village, you'll realize that you love me too and we'll live happily ever after. And you can be my queen when I become Hokage and exact my revenge on this goddamn village for treating me like shit all my life! Believe it!"

There it was: the trigger word.

Very mechanically, Sakura reached into her purse, pulled out a pistol, and shot Naruto in the left shin.

"OWCH! GOD DAMN SAKURA! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

Flatly, Sakura said to him. "Sorry, I thought you were a bird."

chapter two completed


End file.
